Asexuality refers to the absence of sexual attraction to others and is a lifelong orientation, not a choice of abstinence.
It exists on a spectrum: some people experience romantic attraction, others do not.
Myths to debunk: “it’s just a phase,” “lack of libido,” “inability to love”—these ideas are false.
Possible and diverse relationships: asexual/sexual or asexual/asexual, with communication and consent at the heart of each individual.
Personal sexuality may or may not include masturbation and other practices, depending on each person’s comfort and boundaries.
Understanding asexuality: definition and realities of the absence of sexual attraction
Discover what asexuality is and how some people experience no sexual attraction. Understand this often misunderstood sexual orientation and its impact on daily life. Asexuality is often confused with abstinence or a lack of emotions. In reality, it’s an orientation, meaning a stable way of experiencing (or not experiencing) sexual attraction to others. Some people have told me how much relief it has been to use this word, as if the missing piece of the puzzle suddenly became visible. Lina, 19, put words to her experience after discovering testimonials online. She didn’t feel any drive toward sex, without feeling “broken” or cold. She simply wanted to be seen for who she is.
Clearly define: an orientation, not abstinence. Saying “asexuality” doesn’t mean giving up on pleasure, intimacy, or love. It means not experiencing sexual attraction. This experience doesn’t stem from dogma, nor from a default trauma, nor from a problem to be “fixed.”
Talking about sexual orientation helps distinguish this lived experience from a lifestyle choice. It’s not a matter of personal morality, but an intimate reality that deserves consideration and respect.
It’s not therapy or a “cure” that “changes” orientation.
It’s not a promise of emotional detachment: feelings and attachment remain possible.
It’s not a generalization: the diversity of experiences is the norm.
A spectrum of nuances: multiple experiences
We often speak of a spectrum because lived experiences differ. Some people identify with terms like “gray-a” to denote a rare attraction, or “demisexual” for an attraction conditioned by a strong emotional bond. Others don’t fit into any label, and that’s valid.
Sexuality, in its broadest sense, can exist as a curiosity, a solitary practice, or have no place at all. What matters is the comfort and autonomy of the individual concerned.
Romantic Attraction and Sexual Attraction: Two Dimensions
It’s helpful to distinguish between romantic and sexual attraction. One can desire a romantic relationship without experiencing sexual attraction. Heteroromanticism, homoromanticism, biromanticism, panromanticism, or the absence of romantic attraction (aromanticism) are all possible categories.
Lina, for example, has discovered she is panromantic: she enjoys the idea of a couple, of tenderness, without pressure toward sexual intercourse. This distinction helps her protect herself and communicate effectively. Her guiding principles? Consent and clear expectations.
Demystifying Asexuality: Clichés, Misunderstandings, and the Truth About This Sexual Orientation
Misconceptions are deeply ingrained and hurtful. Yet, research and personal accounts agree: asexuality is a legitimate and stable experience. We can all contribute to a more compassionate environment by asking respectful questions rather than asserting certainties.
No, it’s not “a phase” or “a disorder.” We sometimes hear: “You’ll see, it’ll pass” or “You must have a problem.” These phrases make it invisible. Asexuality is not a pathology or a deficiency to be fixed. Organizations and peer networks, like AVEN, have been working for years to document and explain these realities.
“Asexuals don’t love”: false. Love is not limited to sex.
“It’s a reaction to trauma”: reducing an experience to a single cause denies the diversity of paths.
“Everyone has a low libido sometimes”: libido can vary, but sexual orientation is not automatically determined by it. Desire, Practice, Libido: Distinguishing Levels | Libido refers to the energy of sexual desire, which can fluctuate with stress, health, or hormones. One can have a variable libido without developing sexual attraction to a person. Similarly, whether or not one masturbates does not fully define one’s identity. | Sexuality can include exploration, tender gestures, or remain absent, without hierarchy. What matters most is the alignment between values, desires, and personal boundaries. |
|---|---|---|
Common Misconception | What it suggests | The reality |
“Asexuality is a phase” | It is said to be transient or immature | It can be stable throughout life, like any other sexual orientation |
“No sex = no love” | Love and actions are said to be inseparable | Affection, commitment, and intimacy exist in many forms |
“Low libido = asexuality” | The measurement of desire is said to define identity | Libido varies; asexuality concerns attraction to others, not the intensity of desire. |
“Masturbation contradicts asexuality.”
Practice = interpersonal attraction.
Solitary pleasure can exist without sexual attraction directed toward a person.
Resources and visibility for understanding and support.
Support platforms, local associations, and educational content help to name experiences. Sharing these resources provides guidance to those who are questioning themselves, and to loved ones who want to better support them.
I still remember the first time I heard about asexuality. It was liberating. To delve deeper, a video search can open doors to understanding.
Living with asexuality: emotional relationships, social visibility, and questioning norms.
How is a couple built when sexual attraction isn’t there? In reality, there are a thousand answers. Lina met Alex, who isn’t asexual. They laid the groundwork: the right words, a shared rhythm, and creativity for an intimacy that reflects who they are.
Various forms of relationships, but a common thread: communication.
In an asexual/asexual relationship, partners may prioritize tenderness, shared projects, rituals, and sometimes decide on a suitable form of sexuality. In an asexual/sexual relationship, some people negotiate compromises: dedicated time, sensory alternatives, or, depending on the agreement, structured non-exclusivity.
Talk about expectations and boundaries early and clearly.
Revisit agreements regularly, as needs evolve.
Never take consent for granted; it is constantly renewed.
Pleasure, masturbation, and intimacy: they are not incompatible.
A helpful reminder: asexuality doesn’t prevent you from exploring your body. Some people enjoy masturbation without feeling sexual attraction to others. Others don’t feel any need for it, and that’s just as respectable.
Sexuality isn’t a performance but a space for well-being. Breaking free from pre-established scripts allows everyone to invent their own way of loving, touching, or preserving their personal space.
Rethinking norms for greater inclusion
Society often values sexual activity as proof of fulfillment. However, fulfillment doesn’t have a single unit of measurement. Media that portrays nuanced asexual characters, free from stereotypes, contributes to a fairer climate.
What if we acknowledged that there are as many ways to experience sexuality as there are people? Recognizing asexuality means broadening our understanding of shared happiness.
Lina and Alex have established a monthly “check-in”: 30 minutes to discuss the framework, desires, and boundaries.
They use a shared vocabulary to differentiate between tenderness, sensuality, and sexuality, in order to avoid misunderstandings.
Does asexuality mean a total absence of sex?
No. Some people don’t engage in sex, others do. The essentials are consent and comfort. Sexuality is not an obligation, nor is it a measure of a couple’s worth.
